Carla's Artistry of Change » David Allen Getting Things Done

Can’t Get Yourself to Change? 4 “Excellent” Habits

carla — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:11:58 +0000

Do you ever notice there are some things in life that you want to change, but they just don’t? Maybe you want to stop being late, or lose some weight, or improve your relationship with a co-worker, or get more sleep. Human beings are actually genetically programmed to resist change. But the good news is that neuroscience is now telling us that the brain is plastic so you can actually “teach an old dog new tricks”.

Habits got you where you are and so the good news is that new habits can eventually get you where you want to go. Habits write new neuron pathways in your brain. Over time this creates a new default. This of course isn’t new information. Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher, once said:”We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” Here’s a couple of examples, Linda’s new habit of walking to the gym instead of driving helped her lose 5 extra pounds over one year. Mark’s new habit of getting all his supplies ready by the door the night before helped him stop being late.

Here are 5 tried and true habits for creating the change you want:

1. Create an ideal outcome

David Whyte, an expert on workplace creativity, is quoted as saying “The antidote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest, but often it’s wholeheartedness.” Often you can’t change something because you are far too focused on what you don’t want. This only reinforces it and can make you exhausted. See if you can reframe in terms of what you do want. For example, “I don’t want to attend these long boring meetings,” becomes “I’d like to have shorter, more engaging and productive meetings.” “I am tired of this constant back pain” becomes “I’d like to have a healthy spine.” Sounds simple, but do you do actually practice this as much as you could? That habit alone of reframing could create a sense of wholeheartedness that will fuel your change like nothing else.

2. Love the rocks

Once long ago, a Zen master was able to remove very big rocks — and he was a very fragile man. It was almost impossible looking at his physiology. Much stronger men than him were unable to pull those same rocks, and he would simply pull them with little effort. When he was asked what his trick was, he replied, “There is no trick — I love the rock so the rock helps. I simply hold the rock lovingly… and wait for a sign. It is usually a shudder, and my whole spine starts vibrating, then I move. If I move before this sign, then it’s against the rock; and I can’t do it. If I flow with the rock then the rock just moves itself.”

Sometimes things don’t change because they aren’t ready to change. For example, your body is keeping on extra weight as a way of protecting your body from excess toxins in your fat cells. You may need to cleanse your body before your body will release the excess weight.

You may also have a habit of cursing your body for holding onto excess weight. This can make the body sub-consciously want to rebel. One client, Tracey, reported using one of the habits from our program The Artistry of Change: The Top 5 Habits of Highly Resilient People. During her weight loss program whenever she noticed no weight loss or some actual weight gain, she simply threw both arms in the air and gleefully yelled, “Excellent!” If she did lose weight she yelled out, “Double excellent!” Over time she figured this helped her enjoy the process more, and it trained her brain to be happy with her body no matter what. She said, “What you resist persists, so this was an important psychological part of finally shedding the excess pounds.”

3. De-clutter

In the book Unclutter Your Life: Transforming Your Physical, Mental, And Emotional Space the author, Katherine Gibson, says, often people can’t change because they haven’t cleared out the old first. Just as an artist cannot paint a new painting until she creates a blank canvas, sometimes you need to clear something from your mental, emotional or physical palette before a new possibility can flourish. Here are some interesting reports from our clients who have chosen to de-clutter at a variety of levels. One man claimed that soon after de-cluttering his basement a long overdue debt that was owed to him miraculously showed up. Another woman said that forgiving an ex-partner (emotional de-cluttering) finally allowed her to be open to a new romance. A third client said that writing out all her complaints about her new job and then burning the piece of paper (mental de-cluttering) allowed her to start enjoying her new job.

4. Download genius

If you play tennis with someone who is better than you, your game tends to improve. You are picking up skills sub-consciously by osmosis. It’s like downloading information (or a certain kind of genius) from someone else’s web site. You can do this with anything and you can do it without anyone else being present.

Here’s how you do it. Think of a change you want to make and then simply ask yourself “If I were exceptional at ___________ – what would I do?” For example, if you feel overwhelmed by your To Do’s ask “If I were exceptional at time management – what would I do?” Keep asking this over and over again until your bio-computer processes an answer for you. In this case, my client Rick came up with this idea: “I would ask John his top 3 tips for being so organized.” John recommended David Allen’s book Getting Things Done, and ever since reading and implementing the ideas Rick almost always has a clear desktop and an empty email inbox.

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Bottom Line

Here are 4 short activities to help you try these habits:

Write out 3 complaints you have in your life and reframe them in terms of what you want instead.
The next time something happens that triggers an “unhelpful” negative response throw both arms in the air and yell out “Excellent!”
Spend an hour this weekend de-cluttering one area of your home. While doing it, think of a goal you’d like to manifest and see if this helps move you further towards your goal.
Think of a change you want to make and then simply ask yourself “If I were exceptional at ___________ (being the change I want to see) – what would I do?”

For more ideas, tips, programs and support go to The Artistry of Change web site

How to Handle Conflicts with Grace

carla — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:57:10 +0000

Do you ever notice that when you are in a good mood life just kind of flows? You see solutions more easily. You feel more tolerant and patient. You can take yourself lightly and see the big picture.

Then, do you notice that when you are in a low mood that life can feel stuck and more full of conflict? You see mostly obstacles. You can act petty. You take yourself and life very seriously and feel as if the world is out to get you.

Most humans have a shadow side, a split persona to one degree or another. Being able to have more choice about who will run the show can be one of the most important life lessons you will ever learn.
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Here is Carla talking about some tips for dealing with conflict at work or at home:

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What neuro-science is now telling us

Neil Slade has a great way of explaining neuro-science in practical, layman terms. When you are in a low mood the energy of your brain resides more in what neuro-scientists call “The Reptilian Complex”.

The brain has three layers:

1. The Reptilian Complex is the inner core: This is where we get our instinct to survive, fight, flee, gain territory and reproduce.

2. The Limbic System is the next layer: This is where we get our urge to nurture, to love, to join with others and follow laws and rules.

3. The Neo-cortex is the outer brain: This is where we get the skills to make peace between the R-Complex and the Limbic System, the ability to forgive and to temper justice with mercy, to reason and see the big picture. The frontal lobes of the neo-cortex in particular help you do your best problem solving and decision making.

While we need to have all parts of our brain functioning in order to thrive and survive, most people when under stress revert to the Reptilian Complex. They are disconnected from the more outer parts of the brain. Being able to trigger the frontal neo-cortex can put you in a good mood and help you be your better self more often.

How do you know when the Reptilian Complex is running the show?

The Reptilian Complex is more likely to be active during change, challenge and conflict, but can appear at any time. Learn to notice when that is happening. Usually you feel more tense, worried, fearful, distrustful, and hyper-vigilant. In short you feel like fighting or fleeing. Few situations in modern society require the Reptilian Complex to be running the show completely. Yet that’s where a lot of people are operating from a lot of the time.

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What can trigger the “petty self”?

Many factors can contribute to you getting more easily triggered such as:

1. Multitasking or having your awareness scattered.

2. Hormonal imbalances (in both men and women).

3. Excess toxins in your body from health issues or from stimulants such as coffee, alcohol, sugar and other drugs (both pharmaceutical and recreational).

4. Little or no reflection time.

5. Unresolved issues (at any age).

6. Psychological habits picked up from your family or society.

7. Lack of exercise.

8. Sleep deprivation.

9. Dehydration.

10. Feeling hungry or undernourished. Blood sugar imbalances.

11. A habit of shallow breathing or mouth breathing.

12. Not examining the validity of your thoughts.

13. Unexpressed creativity.

14. Lack of meaning in one’s life.

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Tips for activating your more “graceful self”

Here are a few tips for activating the brain to move from the Reptilian-complex to the frontal neo-cortex. Make sure you do something to put yourself in a better frame of mind before dealing with a conflict. For particularly high stakes conversations email us at carla@artistryofchange.com for a free copy of the Preparing to Have a Courageous Conversation worksheet.

1. Laughing and having fun. Laughter opens up the whole brain. Find the lighter side of the situation. Search YouTube for comedians you love. Call or talk to someone is good at making you laugh.

2. Paying attention to the present moment without interpreting it (E.g. like when you are focussed on a task you love or appreciating a sunset)

3. Focussing on one thing at a time Don’t try to deal with conflict when your focus is scattered, for example while trying to drive your car or while checking email.

4. Giving yourself the amount of sleep that your body wants (usually 7-8 hours for most adults). Wait til your rested before having an important conversation.

5. Asking “What’s good?” Ask yourself “What’s good about this situation?” What might you be learning from this conflict? What might be a great outcome from sorting out this issue?

6. Releasing negative thinking loops EMDR or Emotional Freedom Technique can help you release stuck negativity and trauma. Also, many conflicts result from escalating a small issue into a large one through an over-active imagination. The work of Byron Katie or The Sedona Method are useful for helping people examine the validity of their thoughts.

7. Doing regular exercise .Do something active before an important conversation to help release toxins from the body and increase the oxygen levels in your body.

8. Nourishing your body on a regular basis with good, nutritious food. Make sure your blood sugar levels are normalized before starting an important conversation. Drinking 8 glasses of purified water a day and stay hydrated during conflict. This will help your brain work more efficiently.

9. Creating meaning and purpose in your life. Explore your purpose and live your life from that value system as much as possible. As Les Brown once said, “If you know the why for living you can endure almost any how.”

10. Having a creative or recreational outlet. Singing, dancing, writing, art, gardening, golf, tennis, skiing, etc. These activities will keep you in your “graceful” self more often.

11. Getting inspired daily. Leave inspirational literature by your bedside. Watch inspirational movies or listen to inspirational audio programs. Watch inspiring speakers on TED or just type in “inspirational speech” or “motivational speech” into YouTube.

12. Practicing conscious breathing Try typing in “conscious breathing techniques” into YouTube and follow the instructions.

13. Getting regular physical contact. Loving touch activates the whole brain (E.g. Hugs, kisses and massage)

14. Getting organized and defining your work more clearly (try David Allen’s Getting Things Done)

15. Surrounding yourself with people who are generally optimistic and good-natured. The moods and thoughts of others can impact your well being. Establish healthy boundaries with people who like to create drama and conflict.

16. Thinking in possibilities. If you feel stuck about how to solve a problem ask yourself “If I were exceptional at solving this problem I would…”

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Do you have a tip to share?

If you have an example of how you activate your best self please let us know. It just might inspire others. Please email it to carla@artistryofchange.com