http://www.mindsetmasteryseminars.com/artistryofchange

Have you ever ironically rushed to do something that’s supposed to be relaxing–such as a spa appointment, vacation or to get to sleep? For many people this happens regularly.

What if I just rushed faster?

The trap of rushing faster usually creates more problems. I used think that if I just worked longer hours and rushed faster that the feeling of overwhelm would eventually subside. But I now notice that never really works over the long term, because the rate of change is just speeding up and rushing faster is an impossible expectation. There is a deeper, more powerful and longer lasting solution.

80% of the reason you feel overwhelmed is because of your mindset

I have discovered that regularly feeling overwhelmed is just a bad habit of mind and actually a cultural transfer for which I pay a big price. I would go so far as to say it’s like a vampire that siphons my energy. Did you know that a recent poll of entrepreneurs and people in high-pressure jobs had To Do lists for just 1 day that would realistically take an average of two weeks to complete? Many university research studies have proven that un-doable To Do lists make many people less productive because the overwhelm causes inertia.

Overwhelm can negatively affect many areas of life

Do you remember the book the Way of the Peaceful Warrior? Peaceful warriors tend to make a lot less mistakes than frantic ones. Plus your health gets affected. People who feel overwhelmed are more likely catch a cold. Relationships suffer. If you dwell on how overwhelmed you feel it can make you less fun to be with on a date. Overwhelm actually makes you think less effectively and less creatively. In fact feeling overwhelmed is directly linked to digestive problems, moodiness ADHD and sleep problems. Feeling overwhelmed triggers the primitive fight or flight brain which can lead you to do or say things you might regret later. Over the long term the overwhelmed mindset has been linked to divorce, depression, suicide, cancer, dementia and financial problems.

So why do people keep getting stuck in overwhelm then?

Many people are unconsciously programmed for feeling overwhelmed. The human mind tends to imprint negative experiences far more often than positive ones. Neuroscientists say this is the primitive brain response. The primitive brain is consciously scanning for danger. If you burn your hand in the fire your brain will imprint that deeply so you won’t do it again. If you see a great sunset the brain doesn’t see this as necessary for your survival so won’t imprint it so deeply. This is kind of a system flaw when you think about it because it means you remember far more negative experiences than positive ones, giving you the overall impression that life is dangerous and unpleasant.

What underlying beliefs usually make you feel overwhelmed?

If you believe that you can’t change the things you actually CAN change or you react against the things you actually CAN’T change (or you can’t tell the difference between the two) that is definitely a recipe for overwhelm. And, of course this is just the opposite of a well known saying. When you’re calm and centered about your To Do list you have better health, enhanced relationships, feel more confident, trust in the future more, have more vitality, think better and make wiser decisions. There is a big domino effect here.

What you focus on grows

If you really think about it — for every one thing that’s not going well chances are 1000 things ARE going well. And, what you focus on grows so you might as well ruminate on one of the thousand things going right and instantly have a better day.

If you’d like to learn more about how to shift your mindset from overwhelm to calm and confident check out this webinar series:

http://www.mindsetmasteryseminars.com/artistryofchange

Problems can be the seed of your creative reinvention

You may be feeling stuck about a technical issue, or how to persuade a decision-maker to accept your idea, or trying to work with someone who grates on your nerves. The truth is, problems are actually the basis of all creativity. They are like the soil into which new possibilities can flourish. You would not be challenged to be creative if you didn’t have a problem to solve in the first place. The real problem would be not activating a creative mindset in the face of problems. That is why creativity is as important as literacy especially these days.

The top 5 questions to ask yourself

Below are 5 questions that can move the problem out of your reptilian brain into your neo-cortex. In other words, the questions direct the issue into a part of your brain that has more choice – other than just fight or flight.

Instructions

Feel free to use this with yourself or with those you influence. Print out the email and answer these questions on a sheet of paper. It should only take a few minutes and has been known to create a huge sense of relief in hundreds of our clients.

1. What is the problem you face in terms of a state of mind?

This question helps you to get clear on your current issue. Many times you can’t fix a problem because you don’t even know what it is. It also focuses your attention on the state of mind that is feeding the problem. For example: “I am overwhelmed by my priorities.”

2. What is your ideal outcome?

As Albert Einstein once said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same mindset that created it.” Your ideal outcome would therefore be a mindset that allowed you to solve the problem. For example: “My ideal outcome is to be confident about how to deal with my priorities.”

3. What’s good about having this problem to deal with right now?

Chances are you looking at this issue as “the glass is half empty”. All situations have their pros and cons. This question can help you see “the glass as half full”. Look at what you answered to Question #1 and see if you can find any benefits from working through this issue. It might be helping you build skills, activate your creativity, or allowing something else to occur that might otherwise not happen.

4. What needs to burn away so that the right solution can manifest?

Naturally occurring forest fires happen to keep the eco-system in balance. The canopy of old growth trees can completely block sunshine from reaching the forest floor where important plant life needs to flourish in order to feed the rest of the eco-system. Metaphors like this help open up the creative mind. What needs to burn away in terms of an assumption, a mindset, or point of view that’s blocking you from getting back in the flow with this situation?

5. If I were exceptional at (the task required), what would I do that I am not doing now?

This question helps you think outside of a limited view you may have of your abilities. You can “download genius” just by imagining you are someone who could easily sort this situation out. For example: “If I were exceptional at confidently dealing with my priorities (instead of being overwhelmed by them), what would I do that I’m not doing now?”

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Case study #1 – Overwhelmed by your priorities this week

Question #1: “I am overwhelmed by my priorities.”

Question #2: “My ideal outcome is to be confident about dealing with my priorities.”

Question #3: “What’s good about having to deal with this situation right now?” I have a fascinating project I get to work on right now that is inspiring me to grow, to better prioritize, and to be more innovative about how it gets done.

Question #4: “What needs to burn away?” Thinking that I need to be perfectionistic about this project, that I need to do it all myself, and that I need to spend as much time on low priority aspects as I am right now.

Question #5: “If I were exceptional at confidently dealing with my priorities (instead of being overwhelmed by them), what would I do that I’m not doing now?” I would delegate the task of formatting the document to someone who is better at it than me, such as Linda.

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Case study #2 – Dealing with negative behaviour at work

Question #1: “I am unclear and anxious about how to confront negative behaviour at work.”

Question #2: “My ideal outcome is to be confident about how to deal with negative behaviour at work.”

Question #3: “What’s good about having to deal with this situation right now?” I am getting to practice assertiveness skills, I’m helping our entire team by dealing with this situation openly, I’m getting to see how to use that negative behaviour for a positive outcome.

Question #4: “What needs to burn away? Thinking that I don’t know how to do it, and thinking that this negative behaviour can have no positive outcome.

Question #5: “If I were exceptional at confidently dealing with negative behaviour at work, what would I do that I’m not doing now?” I would make a list of all the ways I could direct this person’s behaviour style in a more positive direction.

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Next steps

Act on the wisdom you receive as soon as possible, as this will train your brain to start thinking like this more often. The brain will always seek the path of flow (or of least resistance), and will eventually default to it. In other words, once you show your brain a less stressful way to deal with your most common problems, you will no longer feel triggered by them. This creates a new neuro-pathway. That is why action is so important.

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Feel free to comment below–what questions do you use to activate your problem solving brain?

For more information on how you can improve innovative problem solving in your staff go to CLICK HERE

#1 – Not enough of something (e.g. money, time, support)

#2 - Lack of clarity (e.g. around goal, or direction, or how to do it)

#3 – I don’t have what it takes (e.g. not enough experience, training, courage, etc)

While these reasons at a surface level might seem true, they miss the underlying issues that may be causing these problems in the first place.

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Surface Reason #1: Not enough money, time support

People often say they don’t have enough time, money, opportunities or support from key people in their life. Think about an area of life where you feel stuck about how to change, do any of these reasons resonate for you? For example, finding more fulfilling work, losing weight, improving your financial situation, etc.

Actual Reason: While on the surface “not enough of something” may seem true, often the underlying reason is a perception problem. Your assumptions can be your prison.

Case study: One client said she couldn’t achieve life balance because she had no support from her family or boss. However, that turned out to be a false assumption. Her kids and husband told her they actually prefer it when she seemed happy and balanced rather than burned out and resentful. Her boss said the same thing. The real reason she felt burned out was that she was not prioritizing, setting boundaries, and communicating effectively about her needs. Underneath that reason was a belief that she had to sacrifice her well being for other people. Underlying that belief was a fear of disapproval, which plagues many people and stops them from moving forward in life. By removing this core level script about needing other people’s approval she was able to then set boundaries, prioritize, and communicate her needs. This allowed her to then effortlessly regain life balance and to finally make it stick.

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Surface Reason #2: Lack of clarity

People often say they cannot change their situation because they don’t know how to change things or what direction to go in.

Actual Reason: What may actually be happening is that they haven’t given themselves permission to explore what’s really going on.

Case study: Another client disliked her job but felt an inner conflict because she disliked every job she’d had and couldn’t face having to quit and find another one only to face the same situation yet again. By making an appointment with herself and taking time away from distractions to be quiet and to focus on the issue, she was actually able to resolve the inner conflict quite easily. It was the fear of facing the inner conflict rather than the conflict itself that was 80% of the struggle. Upon deeper reflection she discovered that it wasn’t what she was doing but how she was doing her job that was causing her grief. She had an unconscious script telling her she had to do everything perfectly. The reality of perfection was impossible to achieve so she was in a perpetual state of angst. Once we removed the “perfection script” and replaced it with a more realistic expectation of herself, she was able to keep her job and find peace and happiness in her daily life again.

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Surface Reason #3: I don’t have what it takes

A very common surface reason is some version of “I don’t have what it takes”. I don’t have enough experience, know-how, credibility, guts, skill, confidence, persistence, centeredness, belief in myself, etc.

Actual Reason: Underneath all those beliefs is usually one core belief about lack of worthiness. To quote Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World “I’m not worthy!” is the sub-conscious mantra of many people. A sense of unworthiness is at the core of many issues regarding money, health, relationships, career and even spirituality. While a belief like this may seem illogical, many beliefs are programming either as a child before your logical reasoning ability had formed, or was picked up unconsciously from parents, teachers, marketing messages, or society. The truth is, you are still getting programmed every day without even being aware it is happening. The good news, however, is that you can re-program yourself as often as you need so that you can get more of the results you want.

Case study: Another client had a dream about starting his own business. He wanted to help people deal with the sudden death of a loved one–with the practical, financial and emotional issues. He worked at a bank and had a long list of reasons why he couldn’t get started, but in the end we discovered that he just didn’t believe in himself. No one in his family had ever done anything like that. Who was he to think he could realize his dream? He didn’t trust that he had the courage or persistence to pull it off. The irony is that you actually have to manufacture trust at the beginning to take action which then leads to success which then builds trust in yourself. So, together we manufactured enough trust and belief in himself to take a few small steps towards his dream. These steps then snowballed into larger and more on-going actions. I’m happy to say that now he has a full time business in this area. He has realized his dream.

To learn more about how to manifest a goal or a dream that you’ve always wanted, go to:

http://www.choicerepatterning.com

According to the latest findings in neuroscience, if you balance your brain it can make you better on the job and in your personal life. The trouble is that more people than previously thought have a brain imbalance. In fact, an imbalanced brain is almost the norm in society today. I was labeled dyslexic in Grade 1 and sent to a special learning class–I could barely read and wrote letters backwards. However, after doing many of the brain balancing techniques listed below I learned how to read and comprehend at normal speed. I went onto 8 years of post secondary schooling, wrote 4 books, and have run a successful business for 22 years helping other people access their creativity, better use their brains and manage transitions more effectively.

The most indispensable people on the job today

The most indispensable people on the job today are those who can shift gears easily and bring constructive behavior to challenging situations. Brain scans can often show how brain imbalances are at the root of behaviors that cause problems for yourself or others at work such as getting too easily stressed, being a “type A” personality, or being unable to problem solve. The good news is that there are ways now to balance different aspects of the brain so you can help yourself and others move through transitions with ease and grace.

If your frontal lobes are imbalanced you cannot learn from your mistakes

The brain is a complex piece of machinery and neuroscience findings change daily, but here is a simplified version of what we know now. There are several aspects of the frontal lobes that help you be a Change Artist. For example, your frontal lobes house your ability to learn from mistakes, make plans, and reach your goals. When your frontal lobes are balanced, it helps you be compassionate towards others, expressive of your thoughts, organized, goal-oriented, flexible in your thinking, and adaptive to changes.

What happens when you get out of balance?

The frontal lobes are like the CEO of the brain. When they are underfunctioning, it’s like there is no leadership in the office, so nothing gets done, you can be unmotivated, disorganized, unfocused or too self absorbed. When the frontal lobes are overfunctioning, it’s like the boss is micromanaging everyone. You can display “type A” personality style where you make goals more important than people, you can become rigid and inflexible, being productive for productivity’s sake while losing touch with the ultimate purpose of your work.

“Type A” people often have a brain imbalance

Often people with overfunctioning frontal lobes go undetected in workplaces and can even be rewarded. They may be sales people who bring in good cash flow to the company, but they are doing it at the expense of their health and their relationships with others. They offer short terms rewards but sometimes with devastating long term costs. The overfunctioning person can have obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, excessive worrying, argumentativeness, or oppositional behavior. They can “get stuck” on certain thoughts or actions such as “I must work all the time”, “I must check email every 5 minutes”. It’s the same mindset as an addict who must have a drink, a drug, food, sex, gambling, coffee, shopping, self judgment–and even when they get their fix they want it again soon. In other words, they keep thinking about or doing something that they know is harmful but feel like they cannot stop it.

What can cause Frontal Lobe imbalance?

Many things can cause the frontal lobes to get out of balance such as:

- a brain injury or even a small bump to the head
– poor nutrition
– excessive toxins in the body
– little or no reflection time
– unresolved issues from your past
– lack of exercise, sleep or water
– a habit of shallow breathing or mouth breathing
– unexpressed creativity
– not examining the validity of your thoughts
– multi-tasking

How can you re-balance your Frontal Lobes?

Here are some activities and processes designed to balance the frontal lobes:

1. Neurotherapy (see below for more info)
2. Good nutrition, supplementation and hydration
3. Detoxing your body
4. Reflection time or a regular spiritual practice
5. Cognitive or psychotherapeutic process (see below)
6. Regular exercise
7. A habit of 7-8 hours of sound sleep per night
8. A habit of full body breathing
9. Finding a meaning and purpose for your life
10. Expressing yourself creatively
11. Paying attention to the present moment
12. Focusing on one thing at a time

Here are processes and resources that can help:

1. The Change Your Brain books by Dr. Daniel Amen  http://www.amenclinics.com

2. Neurotherapy — the use of computerized biofeedback equipment to change your brainwave activity http://www.swingleandassociates.com

3. Brain Gym – a series of physical movements that enhance brain functioning http://www.braingym.org

4. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)7 – a series of tapping procedures designed to remove negative blocks from the body’s meridian system http://www.emofree.ca

5. The Sedona Method – a cognitive process to release negative thoughts http://www.sedona.com

6. The Choice Repatterning Process with Carla Rieger – a process to re-write beliefs that cause brain imbalances http://www.choicerepatterning.com

Do you have a tip to share?

Do you have an example of how you balance your brain? If so, leave it in the comment below. It just might inspire others.

Most people are somewhere in the middle. Regardless of where you are on the spectrum, sometimes it’s better to seek stability and at other times to seek change. So, if you aren’t sure you’re ready for change, here are some tell-tale signs that you may need to reinvent:

1. Daydreaming
You find yourself daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing. This is important information to take note of. People tend to rehearse the changes they like to make in their lives through their imaginations. Please note, though, that sometimes you don’t need to change what you are doing, but rather how you are doing it. For example, a client who was a business owner was working 60 hours a week and was day dreaming of a life with more down time. She kept thinking she needed to sell her business, when actually what she needed to do was to change her beliefs and habits about how she ran her business.

2. Irritability and lethargy
You notice that situations you used to enjoy actually irritate you now. You also may be dragging yourself out of bed every day. If you are not looking forward to facing the challenges of your day it may mean you either need to reinvent what you are doing or how you are doing it. Notice if someone comments on how negative you seem, don’t take offense, but thank them for clarifying this telling sign. Sometimes you can get so used to being irritated that you become numb to it. Awareness of the moods that permeate your behaviour is an important first step in making a major life change. You can also talk to someone that has seen you consistently for a number of years and candidly ask them how they perceive your attitude. Use their answer to activate your resolve to change.

3. Dissatisfaction
You may feel an insatiable nagging which is a clue that an important part of your expression in the world is being ignored. You may feel that “nothing’s wrong, but nothing’s right either” or “there’s just something missing.” If these phrases resonate for you, you aren’t living the life you truly want, you are settling for something less. A big reason people cannot get beyond a nagging sense of dissatisfaction is because they aren’t totally sure what to change or how to do it. One way to gain clarity is to ask yourself, “If there were no obstacles in terms of time, money, or resources what would I do that I’m not doing now?” One of my coaching clients discovered that he wanted to be a moviemaker. This discovery led him to being the person who started making promotional videos within his organization.

4. Envy
If someone you know is doing something that fascinates you or if they trigger a sense of envy, or both, that is a good clue. Make some notes about what they are doing it and how they are doing it that capture your attention or that gnaws away at you. This could be someone in your community or a famous person. Chances are that person is demonstrating some aspect of your ideal life, and your fascination or aversion can be a huge sign post for you. The number one reason people don’t actively pursue their dreams is because they don’t give themselves permission to look and see what they actually want. Make an appointment with yourself. Put aside 30 minutes on a Sunday morning, and ask yourself this question: “What is it about this person that most fascinates me or that I most envy?” For example, one of my coaching clients noticed that she felt envy whenever her friend talked about her work for an arts foundation. Eventually this client created a series of joint ventures between her company and the arts foundation. The envy led her to something that created more fulfillment in her life.

5. Seeking inspiration
Another clue you need a change is if you find yourself searching for new ideas and inspiration. Observe the articles that catch your attention or which web sites you are browsing. Notice the topics of conversation that intrigue you. Keep note of these behaviours and what you find in your research. It will all become useful when you are ready to make the change. For example, another coaching client noticed that in one year she had read seven books on how to deal with difficult behaviours at work. She went onto having a consulting practice in workplace communication.

Next steps
If more than 3 of these signs describe you, do at least one small action to work toward changing your life. This could mean writing in notebook (you can call it a Reinvention Journal) for 30 minutes on Sundays, or interviewing someone on the phone who is doing what you want to do, or browsing 3 web sites on topics that fascinate you. Just remember that reinventing yourself in one area of your life can enhance all aspects of your life.

Feel free to post comments, questions or insights below.

To check out more resources for reinventing your career CLICK HERE.

Think of a conflict you may be having right now. Are you making an assumption that is escalating your reaction—an assumption may not be true?

Susan, a family care consultant, had been polite on the first two occasions and nothing had changed. She asked Carol, the day home provider, to install a child protection gate at the top of each staircase in her house. Yet, each time Susan came for a visit, nothing had been installed.

On this particular day, Susan was in a low mood; she was having problems with her teen daughter, her laptop wasn’t working, and she had a bad toothache. When she saw no gates installed, Susan exploded, “Haven’t you been listening to me? Gates are a regulation you know…they aren’t optional. I’m tired of all your excuses. Either you get the gates this week or I’ll have to penalize you!”

Carol looked shocked and spat back, “I told you three times already they were on order and lost in shipping. There’s no need to talk to me like that. I’m doing the best I can here. I find your manner to be very unprofessional!”

Both women became triggered whereby their “fight or flight” brain took over. People usually get triggered when they makes assumptions and don’t check out whether or not they are true. Susan assumed that Carol was just lazy and had no intention of installing the gates. As it turned out, Carol was having financial difficulties and so she tried to buy a less expensive set online. The shipping was taking a long time.

Carol assumed that Susan thought she was incompetent. As it turned out, Susan was very impressed with Carol’s competence, but was just frustrated that the gates were still not installed after several weeks of asking. Unchecked assumptions coupled with a hectic day can spell disaster if you don’t have ways to prevent unnecessary communication breakdowns.

A great metaphor for understanding how releasing assumptions can open up conversations is to think about naturally occurring forest fires. Nature is wise. Small forest fires happen for a reason. Old growth trees create a canopy that doesn’t let the sunshine reach the forest floor. If the plants on the forest floor can’t get sunshine, they can’t survive and then there’s no food for animals to eat, which then messes up the whole eco-system.

Forest managers used to suppress those regular fires until they figured out that they were creating uncharacteristically large wildfires that ended up devastating huge areas. It can work like that in life. If you don’t regularly let the old burn down, something big will come along and burn it down for you. Have you noticed that? Assumptions can work the same way. If you don’t regularly burn away and release your assumptions about people’s motives and thoughts, your relationships can get damaged.

Your assumptions about a conflict could actually be incorrect. Write down everything you believe to be true about the other person’s thoughts and motives, then arrange a time to talk to the person and ask open questions.

In the case of Susan, she finalled asked in a neutral tone of voice, “What is really getting in the way of you not having the gates installed yet?” That’s when she found out about Carol’s financial issue, at which point they were able to brainstorm on a solution. If you don’t understand the real issue it’s harder to find a workable solution. You will have to create a safe enough environment, though, for the person to tell you the real issue. In this case, Susan got Carol to confide in her and they were then able to brainstorm a workable solution. They borrowed some gates so that her home was safer until the new ones actually showed up.

Do you have a story about how checking out assumptions helped you come to a workable solution more effectively? Feel free to post your comments, questions and insights below.

For more information on our programs and online learning CLICK HERE.

Why adults have trouble reinventing themselves

A long time back I worked with a mother and her daughter. In kindergarten the girl was vibrant, playful, sociable and inventive. But in Grade 1, everything changed. The teacher, Miss Munroe, was disturbed that the girl couldn’t sit still, that she wrote letters backwards, that she couldn’t read and or do arithmetic as well as the other children. So Miss Munroe put her in the special learning class, or as the other kids referred to it…the dummies class. Her mother was surprised because the girl had always seemed so bright and so good at many things. But the teachers said it was the best choice for everyone concerned. The girl disliked this dummies class even more than regular class and sat sullen refusing to do anything at all. The other children began to exclude her on the playground. Her self esteem plummeted and she soon isolated herself from friends and family.

Learning HOW to learn rather than memorizing rote facts

Her mother grew upset about the situation and so did research on alternative school programs that offered a more flexible curriculum. She eventually got her daughter into a school with a self-directed learning program. This was where students were asked HOW they wanted to learn instead of having to follow one standard curriculum. That’s when everything changed. The students suggested that instead of learning plant science from a book, that they would make their own vegetable garden together instead. So that’s what they did for half the school year. Instead of memorizing the Pythagoras theorem, they constructed multi-colored models to learn about how it applies in the real world. Instead of memorizing facts about the inventor, Edison, they produced a short documentary about his life. This girl eventually became a top student in this experiential learning environment, because she needed to move in order to think.

Do you need to move in order to think?

In his groundbreaking TED talk “Do Schools Kill Creativity?“, Sir Kenneth Robinson, tells the story of the great choreographer, Gillian Lynne. She was always a dancer at heart, and needed to move in order to think. Many people who are not thriving in the education system or their organization are actually very bright and capable, but they are stuck in a sitting position all day long, when they actually need to move to think properly.

This girl went on to finish high school and 7 years of postsecondary education with excellent marks. Soon after graduating she started her own business and she has been able to continually reinvent her career the last 20 years. Now this was someone who struggled with dyslexia for years, who had to go to the library for the blind to just get through a book. And this young student was me.

Here is my geeky Grade 8 photo at University Hill Secondary School. Thank goodness there was such a great program there in the 1970′s because it that made all the difference to me being a contributing member of society. I was lucky; I had a mother who stood up for me. I could have easily ended up like my friend in the special education class who was pregnant by 15 and spent her early adult years as a drug addict living on welfare.

Here’s a photo of my mother who went to bat for me. She died of cancer when I was only 27 years old but in the last year of her life she did get that chance to see me on a video speak before an audience of 1400 college students. A proud moment for a mother who worried her child would never make it in the world. I later learned to break free of dyslexia through Brain Gym. By doing the exercises every day for several years and going on to teach it to others I now read quickly with excellent comprehension and have no other traces of dyslexia. Many learning disabilities are now much more easily overcome through such excellent organizations as The Educational Kinesiology Foundation.

What happens when you don’t know how to reinvent very well?

An extraordinary number of the young people who went through this creative, self directed program went on to lead successful lives as adults in creative and dynamic professions, even if they came into the program as a “problem child”. One reason is that they learned to continually reinvent and therefore could thrive in a variety of environments. They were taught how to create something from nothing, how to choose their response, and how to ascribe they own meaning to situations. In contrast, in regular schools, children were taught only one way to learn and were allowed only a narrow range of responses and interpretations they could have about their environment. They were never taught to question assumptions, or how to consciously form their own opinions or interpretations.

Change resistant people hold organizations back

As a result, many adults with this kind of mindset can feel helpless when things like the economy turns down, or they have to learn new software, or they must take on another role at work. From years of surveying individuals and leaders in organizations the majority of people complain, resist, and even to sabotage a necessary reinvention …all because they just have a weak skill set for reinvention. They just don’t know how to create something out of nothing, or how to choose their response, or how to create a sense of meaning for what they’re doing.

Humans view themselves as creative until they are taught not to

When I recently asked a room full of adults to raise their hands if they called themselves creative, only about 1/5th of the room did so. When I ask a roomful of kindergarten students the same question, all the hands went up. So the good news is that humans view themselves as creative, until they are taught not to. Therefore, the skill of reinvention, or understanding of the creative process, is actually an innate ability that some people just forgot. If you got dressed this morning in a different way than yesterday, you can reinvent. If you negotiated your way through traffic today, you used the creative process. All you really have to do is remember your innate skills and apply them to whatever situation you now need to reinvent.

If you can prevent unnecessary conflict and can find win-win outcomes to workplace challenges, you will be indispensible on the job. You will also tend to be much happier in your personal life. Excellent communicators tend to have small habits that almost force them to deal with an issue before it becomes destructive, or at least these habits help them turn conflict around before it gets too destructive. See if any of these habits would be helpful for you. Feel free to customize them to your personality style and circumstances.

Habits to De-escalate Yourself and Others

Most conflict resolution training programs will tell you the best things to say or do in a conflict, but if you are feeling triggered, you won’t remember. Have you ever noticed that? The trick is to get out of the Reptilian Brain and activate the Neo-cortex area of the brain. The Reptilian Brain is the most primitive part of the brain. It’s like one of those old computers from the 1950’s that could do two functions. The Neo-cortex is much higher functioning and is more like your iPhone; it’s where you store all that great learning about how to communicate in a tense situation.

Think about the last time you felt “triggered”

Chances are your adrenaline levels went up, your pupils dilated, your breathing became shallow along with a number of other physiological changes. In short, your Reptilian or “fight or flight” brain was activated. In this state of mind, you only have two choices…to defend yourself or run away.

In a workplace argument, that could look like avoiding talking about something that is important to you or using defensive language (“Your manner is unprofessional!”) Let’s face it, nothing good usually comes from avoiding an important conversation or blowing up at someone, and yet most of us succumb to both from time to time. Have you ever noticed that if you are feeling calm but the other person becomes triggered that you suddenly can become that way, too? It has a viral effect.

Learn to be aware when your fight or flight brain has been triggered

It also helps to recognize it in others. If you are “seeing red,” take in a long, slow, deep breath and exhale slowly a few times. These actions will activate your neo-cortex where your higher level communication skills reside. If necessary, take time out, walk around the block, and re-schedule a meeting when you have calmed down.

Do you have a trick or a tip for getting “un-triggered?” If so, leave your comment below. For more information on our programs and online learning click here.

Many people like to “win” a disagreement. They want to leave the conversation feeling like they were right and the other person was wrong. The downside is that this often leads to further escalation of the fight or flight response, which can lead to more loss and destruction. It can ruin your relationship and raise your stress levels. It can also lower your productivity in life because the issue entirely distracts your thinking. In the long run, this behavior can damage your self esteem and make you feel more isolated.

Yet, when triggered, humans will default to the fight or flight response – wanting to “win” an argument. This primitive part of your brain overrides the higher functioning parts. Therefore, the fight or flight brain will convince you that winning an argument will make you feel safer, when actually it might create the opposite and often does.

This default response will keep happening unless you re-train your brain and actually re-route the neuro-pathway pattern. The good news is that you can create a new default behaviour by establishing a new habit. This could be an action, words you say to someone, or a question you ask yourself, that helps activate the neo-cortex.

Usually, if you seek an outcome in which all parties feel satisfied, this can activate the neo-cortex where your higher functioning resides. It also leads to better relationships, less stress, improved reputation, enhanced leadership skills, better self esteem, etc.

The trick is to set an intention of collaboration (or a win-win outcome) before you begin a discussion on a touchy subject. Why? Because the other party will usually assume you just want to win and want them to lose out; so reassuring them that you have their interests in mind as well as you own will help them calm down. This action also helps create the possibility for both of you to achieve a win-win outcome, which often requires high level creative thinking. That kind of thinking resides in your neo-cortex, so you will need to be untriggered to access it.

You can use a simple statement such as, “I’d like to talk about how we can find an outcome to this situation that works for both of us.”

Feel free to post your comments, questions and insights below.

For more information on our programs and online learning CLICK HERE.

As Dennis Wholey once said, “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” People don’t always behave as well as they could because they get triggered. They interpret an interaction with you as somehow dangerous and go into a “fight or flight” mode, or the Reptilian Complex area of the brain. As such, they lose connection to their Pre-Frontal Cortex where their interpersonal communication skills reside

Have you ever noticed that some people can have healthy discussions that lead to meaningful change, while others seem to end up over and over again in nasty interactions that go nowhere? Do you have the skills that help prevent unnecessary conflict or are you unwittingly burning bridges?

Case study

This situation actually happened; but names have been changed. Susan, a family care consultant, had been polite on the first two occasions and nothing had changed. She asked Carol, the day home provider, to install a child protection gate at the top of each staircase in her house. Yet, each time Susan came for a visit nothing had been installed.

On this particular day, Susan was in a low mood; she was having problems with her teen daughter, her laptop wasn’t working, and she had a bad toothache. When she saw no gates installed, Susan exploded, “Haven’t you been listening to me? Gates are a regulation you know…they aren’t optional. I’m tired of all your excuses. Either you get the gates this week or I’ll have to penalize you!”

Carol looked shocked and spat back, “I told you they were on order and lost in shipping! There’s no need to threaten me. I’m doing the best I can here. I find your manner to be very unprofessional, you know!”

It went from bad to worse after that with both of them ending up saying things they later regretted. Carol called the agency and complained about Susan. A mediator had to be brought in. Her boss had to review Susan’s work history and write out an official report for the government.

Bad habits need re-training

Susan felt her reputation was damaged within the agency. Her relationship with her client was completely damaged too. Her stress levels went up, further complicating her issues with her daughter, and escalating her health problems.

Usually her boss would have sent her for training in conflict resolution, but at the time, there was a freeze on training due to budget cuts. Susan would have hated to be sent for communication skills training. However, after another year of similar incidents and her job on the line, she knew she had some bad communication habits and became determined to re-train herself.

She finally found an online program on conflict resolution that made all the difference. She could learn over time and repeat parts that were important to her both of which helped anchor in the learning. She could fit it into her schedule by watching whenever she wanted. She didn’t need to travel anywhere or do role plays with strangers. She had assignments that were due in on specific dates and a trusted learning partner, both of which helped her stay accountable to continue through and complete the program.

The best part was that she created new communication habits that had a powerful effect on many areas of life; more harmony and effectiveness at home, with co-workers, with her boss, with her clients and ultimately within herself.

Have you ever tried online methods to learn communication skills? If so comment below and tell us about your experience. For more information about our online learning programs CLICK HERE.